DISCLAIMER: YOU MAY HAVE A SOULGASM WHILE WATCHING THIS

I know I did.

RAISE THE DEBT CEILING

Virginian rapper, Remy, of "Arlington Rap" and "Metro Song" fame has done it again. And, in my humble opinion, this is his best work yet. At the very least, it's worth ceasing your angry calls to Congress for the 2 minutes 21 minutes it takes to hear a brother out.

THAT IS NO(R) WAY TO TREAT A CRIMINAL

You know that crazy shit Anders Behring Breivik? The one who executed countless adults and children last week in Norway? The one who doesn't feel bad for a thing he's done? Good thing he's headed to jail forever to get what he deserves, right?

RIGHT?!

Wrong. He is headed to jail, but he's headed to a Norwegian jail. And, thanks to a new photo essay by the Foreign Press, we now know what those look like.

Forget everything you learned watching Oz. Forget electric chairs and windowless cells. You can even forget your fear of dropping the soap. Because this, my friends, is a whole 'nother animal.

We begin our tour of the world's cushest penal system with its private cells, which offer mini-fridges, large windows (to intentionally let in more sunlight), and flat screen TVs. You know, the usual.

Next, let's take a look at their private bathrooms; a luxury most American college students would kill for. Hey, there's an idea! Maybe they should.

Err moving on... In Norway, prisoners spend a lot of time out of their cells and exercise is encouraged. In fact, Time magazine reports that, at Halden Fengsel (Norway's newest prison, which is spread over 75 acres of "gently sloping forest... to avoid an institutional feel"), prisoners are even given personal trainers.

State-of-the-art gym facilities with an indoor rock-climbing wall...

Free dental exams...

A professional recording studio, in which prisoners can create their own bands and lay down albums...

Oh, and guards without guns... who, might I add, are encouraged to be friendly toward the prisoners and play on mixed sports teams with them to encourage "a sense of family."

So, anyway, this may be my last post because - in writing this - my 10-year plan suddenly changed. If you need me, I'll be in Norway robbing a convenience store.

SHEIKH YA TAIL FEATHER

Why should you do a little dance, you ask? Because you're a rich ass mother f**ker. In fact, in the UAE, your fortune is second only to that of the Saudi king.

Your name is Sheikh Hamad Bin Hamdan. You have a fleet of more than 200 cars; not the least of which are seven Mercedes 500 SELs painted in different colors of the rainbow. And you keep them in a custom-built pyramid because... why not, right?

See, the thing is: You have all those cars and still like 14 billion euros to spare. What, on earth, are you going to spend it on?

Workers to write your name in the sand... really... effing... big... Duh.

Some people grow up, dreaming about seeing their names in lights. Those people are losers. You, sir, can see your name from outer space.

That bitch is 2 miles wide, with letters 1,000 metres long. Badass. Brush your shoulders off.

REBECCA B(L)ACK

Not gonna lie. I'm pretty disappointed Rebecca Black's new single isn't about a day of the week. I, personally, thought Thursday and Saturday had a lot of potential. Hell, even Monday could have been a sleeper hit. Bars have trivia nights on Mondays. If trivia isn't song-worthy, I really don't know what is.

But, alas, she's chosen to focus on "her moment" instead. Lame-o. Not to worry, though, there are still a few good reasons to watch.

1. She learned how to do cutesy finger movements (0:24)

2. She has fans (0:44)

3. She can clap and snap to the beat (1:15)

4. Her voice can go really low (2:42)

5. She has a new haircut and better producers, but she's still Rebecca Black.

FORK YOU, APPETITE

We've all probably heard the old weight loss tip that eating off a smaller plate can help us eat less; but it wasn't until recently that someone acted on the logical next step. A group of business-school researchers at the University of Utah, Salt Lake City, teamed up with a local Italian restaurant to find out just how much the sight of our meals matters.

Spoiler alert: It's not just the size of the plate that matters. The size of the fork apparently matters too. And, this time, you want a bigger one.

Yup, this study just published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that - after some patrons unsuspectingly received forks that were 20% larger than the restaurant's normal forks and others received forks that were 20% smaller - the customers given the larger forks left more food on their plates.

So next time you see me walking down the street with my pitchfork, you know why.

NATALIE PORTMAN REVEALS SON'S NAME ON ISRAELI TALK SHOW

Why bury the lead? It's Alef - the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet with the lofty meaning "oneness of god." In fact, as noted by People Magazine, in Juddaic Kabbalah, this name even "relates to the origin of the universe, 'the primordial one that contains all numbers.'"

Some heavy stuff. So, why is it then, that every time I hear Alef all I can think of is Alf? I deserve a primordial slap on the wrist, if you ask me. But, even I have to admit...

Alef > Apple

And it's a damn good thing Natalie and her fiance Benjamin Millepied didn't follow in Gwenyth's footsteps too. Because, with a name like Apple Millepied, you can kiss significant connotations about God and the universe goodbye. All that name is projecting is this:

IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT A LITTLE HARDER TO BREATHE TODAY?

Uh yeah, what the poster said.

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS FRIDAY

1. It's Friday.
2. Rebecca Black's video is over 5 months old at this point. So, chances are, no one will post it on you wall today.
3. You didn't eat 6.5 pounds of sand, thinking it was ice.

CHIC, C'EST LA VIE

Well, I feel stupid. All this time I've thought Countess LuAnn capitalized the A in her name to be as pretentious as possible, but it turns out that capital A actually serves a purpose: to make the sentence below as symmetrical as possible

Countess LuAnn is a total Ass.

If you don't believe me, take a gander at her new "official" music video, "Chic, C'est la Vie," in which she enlists her RHONY friends Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon to try and look sexy behind her. What's that you say? They just look awkward? Cut the Countess a break. This video looks pretty low budget. I wouldn't be surprised, if I found out the videographer was Bobby.

Sorry, girls. The Russian Judge gives you a 3.5. C'est mauvais.

Now, Kelly, pass me the jellybeans already!

HOLY TWEET

You know how, these days, it seems like everybody and their mom is on twitter? Your friends want you to tweet. Your boss wants you to tweet. In fact, if you want to professionally  promote anything; you must not only tweet, but learn to tweet well.

As it turns out, it doesn't just seem like everyone's on twitter. Everyone. is. officially. on. Twitter.


How do I know this? Well, today in an historic move, the Pope... took to his iPad... in the Vatican... and tweeted... about the launch of an online Vatican news and information portal.


KABLAMSHHHHH!^%$(*&(@$87HUDHKH!!


Oh, excuse me. That was just the sound of my head exploding. But, as I was saying, this is what the event looked like to an average twitter-user:

So, there you have it. An 84-year-old man just attracted 18,776 followers with 1 tweet... Oh, and 23 characters to spare. NBD.

WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT

Because it's been WAY too long since white kids had a rap anthem. (ahem Tea Partay, I'm looking at you.) Do yourself a favor and check out the new video by Fog and Smog, called "Whole Foods Parking Lot." It touches on all the good stuff: inexplicably small shopping carts, overpriced vegetables, bitchy women shopping in yoga pants... See what I mean? These guys understand you. And, if that isn't enough to convince you to watch, here's a sample of lyrics from the 3rd verse:

"This Busters on his iPhone talking to his friends,
Picking up some cayenne pepper for his master cleanse.
You're the most annoying dude I've ever SEEN brah...
Could you PLEASE move? You're RIGHT in front of the Quinoa."

Did that guy just rhyme brah with Quinoa? Oh yes, he did. Shit is gettin' real.



eCrazypants

This is a video about... I'm sorry. I can't. I can't type anymore. I keep thinking about cats.

DYING CITY, SHMYING CITY



Back in January, as part of a content sharing deal, Newsweek posted mainstreet.com's list of America's "dying cities" on their website. On this list? Well, among other cities, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

So, what do you do if you're a proud Grand Rapids native, outraged by Newsweek's accusation? If it were me, I'd probably storm around my house screaming, "WHAT?! BUT WE PRODUCE SO MUCH OFFICE FURNITURE!"

But, thankfully, it's not me.... because I'm from New Jersey... and because the much-more-creative-than-me residents of Grand Rapids took to the streets and outdid themselves with the video above. So, apologies, Grand Rapids. Neither Newsweek nor I will ever question you again.

MOTORCADE FAIL

Bulletproof? Check.
Missile-proof? Check.
Curb-proof? Not so much.

THE RAPTURE (DUH WINNING)

If you're like me, you may have heard the crazy homeless guy on the corner ranting about the end of the world on your way to work. So, yeah that's supposedly tomorrow. Get pumped. And also, before you start looting and - you know - getting judged; take a second to check out the google homepage today. It's pretty sweet.

DON'T TEXT WHILE FLYING

You know how the combination of cell phones and transportation can be pretty bad for humans? Well, it turns out that it might be a fatal combo for bees as well. A new study by researcher Daniel Favre at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology has found that the wireless signals emitted by cell phones cause worker bees to become so disoriented that they eventually die.

Why, you ask? Well, Favre’s team tested bees’ reactions to a nearby cellphone in 83 different experiments and found that the honeybees made 10 times more noise when a cell phone made or received a call than they did when the phone was in off or standby mode. This noise, often referred to as "worker piping," usually functions as a signal for the bees to leave their hive. But, when the reaction is falsely triggered by a cell phone, the bees became tragically befuddled.

Favre’s report explains: “Worker piping in a bee colony is not frequent, and when it occurs in a colony, that is not in a swarming process, no more than two bees are simultaneously active…The induction of honeybee worker piping by the electromagnetic fields of mobile phones might have dramatic consequences in terms of colony losses due to unexpected swarming.”

There you have it. Bad news bees.

DAILY DOSE OF BADASS

The Youtube description of this video reads: "Dancing like Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air on top of a M1068 in full gear, while MLRS rockets fly behind me." Yeaaah. So, I'm going to go out on a ledge and say that - if Will was to ever walk in on this Carlton dance - Carlton would have especially nothing to be ashamed of.

CONGRESS IS THE NEW HOT

29-year-old Republican Congressman Aaron Schock on the cover of this week's Men's Health magazine. Swoon.

YEAH THAT WAS KINDA WEIRD, BUT WE'RE BACK IN THE CLUB

I die for this. Really, I do; but what does a girl have to do to get a little Shawshank Redemption up in here? Just hear me out:

"This is the tale of an innocent prisoner
Bet Susan Sarandon would agree with me
He's chiselin' out through the wall. It's redemption.
Just try to find that hole. It won't be easy."

Just saying.

DOGGLES

FASHION ALERT: Remember those "rec specs" that vision-impaired children used to wear to play sports? The ones you refused to wear because you thought they were so nerdy? The ones Seth Green wore on his head in Can't Hardly Wait? The ones you constantly made fun of on your peers? Well, the time has finally come to eat your words.

I mean it. Open. up. and. eat. them.

Why? They're part of the new specialized equipment, being outfitted on America's military dogs, during their combat operations abroad. You heard right. These badass canines now sport oxygen masks (to protect their lungs, as they parachute out of choppers with soldiers), waterproof vests (containing infrared cameras that transmit video back to servicemen watching in monitors behind them, and... wait for it... "doggles" to protect their eyes.

I'm not lying. Check out Foreign Policy's awesome photo essay on war dogs here, if you don't believe me. Actually, check it out, even if you do believe me. It's worth it.

And if that information isn't enough to convince you that doggles (the artist formerly known as rec specs) are now 100% badass, then I'll bet this will:

According to the New York Times, one of these hooked-up military dogs was strapped onto a member of the US Navy SEAL assault team as they were lowered out of a Black Hawk helicopter this weekend and began the operation that killed Osama Bin Laden. 'Nuff said.

THE FINAL HARRY POTTER TRAILER IS OUT

...and I just went from six to midnight.

ABC's Nick Watt and the Art of Transitions

When the news is a mix of killer tornadoes and royal wedding preps, how on Earth can a correspondent transition smoothly from one topic to the other? Easy. Wear a doppler radar tie.

Royal Wedding Exclusive: How to land a Prince

Prince William may officially be off the market, but his cuter brother is still available. If I were you, I'd take some notes.

Disney Princesses: Together we can erase the women's movement

A new series in which the Disney princesses, one by one, offer their advice to little girls. First up is Belle. Please keep in mind, when you are listening to statements like - "The longer that your trapped with the same person, it'll start to feel like home. Stockholm." - that she is probably the strongest female of them all. God help us.

Sassy Gay Friend on the Royal Wedding

All of your girlfriends may be waking up at 4am to watch this Royal Wedding nonsense, but your sassy gay friend isn't.

Guidos Gone Wilde

If you're an educated person with any knowledge of Oscar Wilde and his ways... and you picture him living, not in the nineteenth century, but in the present day...then, this might not be such a big stretch of the imagination. I mean, I read The Picture of Dorian Gray in college and, let me tell you, that bad boy was like a cross between A-rod and Dexter... or perhaps the Ice Truck Killer... it was art, after all.

But while I may not be 100% decided on which modern day celebrities Mr. Wilde most resembles, there is one thing of which I'm absolutely certain: Oscar Wilde would have logged some pretty serious hours at the Jersey Shore. And, with that in mind, I give you the Jersey Shore transcripts, as performed by the stars of Broadway's The Importance of Being Earnest. Because, frankly, it's the way he would've wanted it.

United We Britney

The United States Marines of HMLA 169 and 266 Rein don't just protect our freedom. They also do a damn good rendition of "Hold It Against Me."

Seriously, what could be better? It's like a hot firemen calendar that dances too.

Parties at Work

Lately, in my office, there's been a lot of parties... and clapping... for fictitious holidays. Sort of makes me feel like this.

As we wait in joyful hope for the coming of... Breaking Dawn. Why? What did you think I was talking about?

A tidbit from sfwchan on our competition for Edward Cullen. I'd say it's pretty spot on. And keep in mind folks, we get to watch her give birth to a demon baby this time around. Acting Gods, why have you forsaken me?

The Ladies of New Jersey Are Back

With Bethenny now gone from Real Housewives New York, the center of the housewives universe has shifted down the Turnpike to Jersey. And not to disappoint, Bravo has brought in two ultra-Italian ringers to spice things up in Season 3.

And they're keeping it in the family. One of Season 3's new faces is Kathy Wakile, Teresa Guidice's first cousin. The other is Melissa Gorga, the sister of Teresa's husband Joe. Fun fact: Melissa's husband is also named Joe. Go figure.

You can now check out a sneak peek of the new season on Bravo's website that's sure to have you salivating for the May 16th premiere. It looks like the girls are bringing the crazy drama once again, Danielle or no Danielle.

Peep Goes the Springtime

It's that time of year again. The Washington Post's Peeps Show V is out and living up to its reputation. You know: Awesome. Artistic. Adorable.

This year's winner is a reenactment of the Chilean miner rescue, composed entirely of - you guessed it -peeps. What are you still doing reading this? Click on the link and check it out already.

Royal Romance: The Guys Going Gaga for Kate Middleton

Ten years ago, the media flurry around the upcoming Royal Wedding might have centered around stories of girls mourning the loss of Prince William's bachelorhood. But, since then, his admirers have disappeared like the very hairs on his head. Leaving us with what exactly? Kate Middleton.  (Oh, and Prince Harry.)

Verizon No Longer Offering 1-Year Contracts

Verizon just announced that it will stop offering 1-year contracts to its customers on April 17th. They will apparently still offer their contract-free month-to-month plans. But, if you want a contract and all the discounts that come therein, you must now saddle up for a bigger commitment. More specifically, we're talking two years, people. So, do the homework, before you make your move. You never know what kind of roommate Verizon will be.

Apple-teeny

Over the weekend, a Detroit Applebees restaurant (or, as I like to call them, Applebooze) mistakenly served alcohol to a 15-month-old boy, who had ordered apple juice. The boy's mother told ABC News that she noticed something was up, when her son started acting tipsy at the table. "He was saying hi and bye to the walls... He eventually laid his head down on the table and we thought maybe he was just sleepy." But, when tested at the hospital later that night, the boy was found to have a 0.1 blood alcohol level.
Been there, brother. Might I suggest you follow that apple juice up with a mimosa tomorrow morning?

The scary thing is that this is not the first incident of its sort for Applebees... or juvenile apple juice orders, for that matter. In 2006, a New York Applebooze restaurant mistakenly served a Long Island Iced Tea to a 5-year-old, who had attempted the harzardous drink order. And, in 2007, a restaurant in California handed a sippy cup full of Margaritas to a toddler, who had ordered - wait for it - apple juice again.

Personally, I blame Raffi. "I like to oot oot oot ooples and boonoonoos. I like to ate ate ate aples and banaynays." Now, if that song doesn't teach kids to get drunk on apple juice, I don't know what does.

Don't cry for Pia-gentina

Spotted: Pia Toscano getting out of a fancy car and walking into Interscope Records, just one day after being controversially voted off Idol. Word on the street is that Interscope execs are calling all of the best songwriters in town to rush her album into production and onto store shelves. Not bad for 9th place.

Shocker Alert

The MLB just announced that 12-time All Star slugger Manny Ramirez suddenly decided to retire, after they notified him of "an issue under Major League Baseball's Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program."

Translation: Manny finally got caught using the 'roids.

Are you shocked? Neither am I.

But it just goes to show you that nothing good can come out of playing for the Red Sox. Adios Manny.

Sunday: There's now a Christian version of Rebecca Black's "Friday"

Dear God, no. (pun intended)

You've received a crazy gram from Steven Tyler

If you've watched American Idol this season, you're no stranger to the Steven Tyler crazy gram. In fact, lately, it probably seems like he's been sending you one every time a contestant performs well on the show. They're gushy. They're enthusiastic. And they're endearing.  They may even have turned your grandma into an Aerosmith fan. 

You know what I'm talking about. Re: James Durbin, "I'll join your rich vein of inner crazy." Re: Paul McDonald, "You're a cool dude in a loose mood."

At first, these sorts of comments have us nodding in emphatic agreement. It's only afterwards, as our brains sift through the odd diction - the zany logic, the wacky vocab - that we are left wondering, "huh?"

This week, Steven sent his crazy gram to us in a moment of sadness... a moment, when the tissues simply would not suffice...a moment, when we needed him the most.

Pia Toscana, the #1 seed of the singing tournament, was eliminated at the buzzer... not because she performed poorly, but because she shockingly received the lowest number of votes.

JLo was flabbergasted, "I'm shocked. I'm angry. I don't even know what to say."
Randy offered, "I'm gutted. You're one of the best singers in this, you know?"

But it was crazy gram Steven, who somehow seemed to sum it up best: "I don't know what happened with this. She's beautiful. When she sings, she's a bird."

Bye, Bye Birdie.