DISCLAIMER: YOU MAY HAVE A SOULGASM WHILE WATCHING THIS

I know I did.

RAISE THE DEBT CEILING

Virginian rapper, Remy, of "Arlington Rap" and "Metro Song" fame has done it again. And, in my humble opinion, this is his best work yet. At the very least, it's worth ceasing your angry calls to Congress for the 2 minutes 21 minutes it takes to hear a brother out.

THAT IS NO(R) WAY TO TREAT A CRIMINAL

You know that crazy shit Anders Behring Breivik? The one who executed countless adults and children last week in Norway? The one who doesn't feel bad for a thing he's done? Good thing he's headed to jail forever to get what he deserves, right?

RIGHT?!

Wrong. He is headed to jail, but he's headed to a Norwegian jail. And, thanks to a new photo essay by the Foreign Press, we now know what those look like.

Forget everything you learned watching Oz. Forget electric chairs and windowless cells. You can even forget your fear of dropping the soap. Because this, my friends, is a whole 'nother animal.

We begin our tour of the world's cushest penal system with its private cells, which offer mini-fridges, large windows (to intentionally let in more sunlight), and flat screen TVs. You know, the usual.

Next, let's take a look at their private bathrooms; a luxury most American college students would kill for. Hey, there's an idea! Maybe they should.

Err moving on... In Norway, prisoners spend a lot of time out of their cells and exercise is encouraged. In fact, Time magazine reports that, at Halden Fengsel (Norway's newest prison, which is spread over 75 acres of "gently sloping forest... to avoid an institutional feel"), prisoners are even given personal trainers.

State-of-the-art gym facilities with an indoor rock-climbing wall...

Free dental exams...

A professional recording studio, in which prisoners can create their own bands and lay down albums...

Oh, and guards without guns... who, might I add, are encouraged to be friendly toward the prisoners and play on mixed sports teams with them to encourage "a sense of family."

So, anyway, this may be my last post because - in writing this - my 10-year plan suddenly changed. If you need me, I'll be in Norway robbing a convenience store.

SHEIKH YA TAIL FEATHER

Why should you do a little dance, you ask? Because you're a rich ass mother f**ker. In fact, in the UAE, your fortune is second only to that of the Saudi king.

Your name is Sheikh Hamad Bin Hamdan. You have a fleet of more than 200 cars; not the least of which are seven Mercedes 500 SELs painted in different colors of the rainbow. And you keep them in a custom-built pyramid because... why not, right?

See, the thing is: You have all those cars and still like 14 billion euros to spare. What, on earth, are you going to spend it on?

Workers to write your name in the sand... really... effing... big... Duh.

Some people grow up, dreaming about seeing their names in lights. Those people are losers. You, sir, can see your name from outer space.

That bitch is 2 miles wide, with letters 1,000 metres long. Badass. Brush your shoulders off.

REBECCA B(L)ACK

Not gonna lie. I'm pretty disappointed Rebecca Black's new single isn't about a day of the week. I, personally, thought Thursday and Saturday had a lot of potential. Hell, even Monday could have been a sleeper hit. Bars have trivia nights on Mondays. If trivia isn't song-worthy, I really don't know what is.

But, alas, she's chosen to focus on "her moment" instead. Lame-o. Not to worry, though, there are still a few good reasons to watch.

1. She learned how to do cutesy finger movements (0:24)

2. She has fans (0:44)

3. She can clap and snap to the beat (1:15)

4. Her voice can go really low (2:42)

5. She has a new haircut and better producers, but she's still Rebecca Black.

FORK YOU, APPETITE

We've all probably heard the old weight loss tip that eating off a smaller plate can help us eat less; but it wasn't until recently that someone acted on the logical next step. A group of business-school researchers at the University of Utah, Salt Lake City, teamed up with a local Italian restaurant to find out just how much the sight of our meals matters.

Spoiler alert: It's not just the size of the plate that matters. The size of the fork apparently matters too. And, this time, you want a bigger one.

Yup, this study just published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that - after some patrons unsuspectingly received forks that were 20% larger than the restaurant's normal forks and others received forks that were 20% smaller - the customers given the larger forks left more food on their plates.

So next time you see me walking down the street with my pitchfork, you know why.

NATALIE PORTMAN REVEALS SON'S NAME ON ISRAELI TALK SHOW

Why bury the lead? It's Alef - the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet with the lofty meaning "oneness of god." In fact, as noted by People Magazine, in Juddaic Kabbalah, this name even "relates to the origin of the universe, 'the primordial one that contains all numbers.'"

Some heavy stuff. So, why is it then, that every time I hear Alef all I can think of is Alf? I deserve a primordial slap on the wrist, if you ask me. But, even I have to admit...

Alef > Apple

And it's a damn good thing Natalie and her fiance Benjamin Millepied didn't follow in Gwenyth's footsteps too. Because, with a name like Apple Millepied, you can kiss significant connotations about God and the universe goodbye. All that name is projecting is this: