THE FINAL HARRY POTTER TRAILER IS OUT

...and I just went from six to midnight.

ABC's Nick Watt and the Art of Transitions

When the news is a mix of killer tornadoes and royal wedding preps, how on Earth can a correspondent transition smoothly from one topic to the other? Easy. Wear a doppler radar tie.

Royal Wedding Exclusive: How to land a Prince

Prince William may officially be off the market, but his cuter brother is still available. If I were you, I'd take some notes.

Disney Princesses: Together we can erase the women's movement

A new series in which the Disney princesses, one by one, offer their advice to little girls. First up is Belle. Please keep in mind, when you are listening to statements like - "The longer that your trapped with the same person, it'll start to feel like home. Stockholm." - that she is probably the strongest female of them all. God help us.

Sassy Gay Friend on the Royal Wedding

All of your girlfriends may be waking up at 4am to watch this Royal Wedding nonsense, but your sassy gay friend isn't.

Guidos Gone Wilde

If you're an educated person with any knowledge of Oscar Wilde and his ways... and you picture him living, not in the nineteenth century, but in the present day...then, this might not be such a big stretch of the imagination. I mean, I read The Picture of Dorian Gray in college and, let me tell you, that bad boy was like a cross between A-rod and Dexter... or perhaps the Ice Truck Killer... it was art, after all.

But while I may not be 100% decided on which modern day celebrities Mr. Wilde most resembles, there is one thing of which I'm absolutely certain: Oscar Wilde would have logged some pretty serious hours at the Jersey Shore. And, with that in mind, I give you the Jersey Shore transcripts, as performed by the stars of Broadway's The Importance of Being Earnest. Because, frankly, it's the way he would've wanted it.

United We Britney

The United States Marines of HMLA 169 and 266 Rein don't just protect our freedom. They also do a damn good rendition of "Hold It Against Me."

Seriously, what could be better? It's like a hot firemen calendar that dances too.

Parties at Work

Lately, in my office, there's been a lot of parties... and clapping... for fictitious holidays. Sort of makes me feel like this.

As we wait in joyful hope for the coming of... Breaking Dawn. Why? What did you think I was talking about?

A tidbit from sfwchan on our competition for Edward Cullen. I'd say it's pretty spot on. And keep in mind folks, we get to watch her give birth to a demon baby this time around. Acting Gods, why have you forsaken me?

The Ladies of New Jersey Are Back

With Bethenny now gone from Real Housewives New York, the center of the housewives universe has shifted down the Turnpike to Jersey. And not to disappoint, Bravo has brought in two ultra-Italian ringers to spice things up in Season 3.

And they're keeping it in the family. One of Season 3's new faces is Kathy Wakile, Teresa Guidice's first cousin. The other is Melissa Gorga, the sister of Teresa's husband Joe. Fun fact: Melissa's husband is also named Joe. Go figure.

You can now check out a sneak peek of the new season on Bravo's website that's sure to have you salivating for the May 16th premiere. It looks like the girls are bringing the crazy drama once again, Danielle or no Danielle.

Peep Goes the Springtime

It's that time of year again. The Washington Post's Peeps Show V is out and living up to its reputation. You know: Awesome. Artistic. Adorable.

This year's winner is a reenactment of the Chilean miner rescue, composed entirely of - you guessed it -peeps. What are you still doing reading this? Click on the link and check it out already.

Royal Romance: The Guys Going Gaga for Kate Middleton

Ten years ago, the media flurry around the upcoming Royal Wedding might have centered around stories of girls mourning the loss of Prince William's bachelorhood. But, since then, his admirers have disappeared like the very hairs on his head. Leaving us with what exactly? Kate Middleton.  (Oh, and Prince Harry.)

Verizon No Longer Offering 1-Year Contracts

Verizon just announced that it will stop offering 1-year contracts to its customers on April 17th. They will apparently still offer their contract-free month-to-month plans. But, if you want a contract and all the discounts that come therein, you must now saddle up for a bigger commitment. More specifically, we're talking two years, people. So, do the homework, before you make your move. You never know what kind of roommate Verizon will be.

Apple-teeny

Over the weekend, a Detroit Applebees restaurant (or, as I like to call them, Applebooze) mistakenly served alcohol to a 15-month-old boy, who had ordered apple juice. The boy's mother told ABC News that she noticed something was up, when her son started acting tipsy at the table. "He was saying hi and bye to the walls... He eventually laid his head down on the table and we thought maybe he was just sleepy." But, when tested at the hospital later that night, the boy was found to have a 0.1 blood alcohol level.
Been there, brother. Might I suggest you follow that apple juice up with a mimosa tomorrow morning?

The scary thing is that this is not the first incident of its sort for Applebees... or juvenile apple juice orders, for that matter. In 2006, a New York Applebooze restaurant mistakenly served a Long Island Iced Tea to a 5-year-old, who had attempted the harzardous drink order. And, in 2007, a restaurant in California handed a sippy cup full of Margaritas to a toddler, who had ordered - wait for it - apple juice again.

Personally, I blame Raffi. "I like to oot oot oot ooples and boonoonoos. I like to ate ate ate aples and banaynays." Now, if that song doesn't teach kids to get drunk on apple juice, I don't know what does.

Don't cry for Pia-gentina

Spotted: Pia Toscano getting out of a fancy car and walking into Interscope Records, just one day after being controversially voted off Idol. Word on the street is that Interscope execs are calling all of the best songwriters in town to rush her album into production and onto store shelves. Not bad for 9th place.

Shocker Alert

The MLB just announced that 12-time All Star slugger Manny Ramirez suddenly decided to retire, after they notified him of "an issue under Major League Baseball's Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program."

Translation: Manny finally got caught using the 'roids.

Are you shocked? Neither am I.

But it just goes to show you that nothing good can come out of playing for the Red Sox. Adios Manny.

Sunday: There's now a Christian version of Rebecca Black's "Friday"

Dear God, no. (pun intended)

You've received a crazy gram from Steven Tyler

If you've watched American Idol this season, you're no stranger to the Steven Tyler crazy gram. In fact, lately, it probably seems like he's been sending you one every time a contestant performs well on the show. They're gushy. They're enthusiastic. And they're endearing.  They may even have turned your grandma into an Aerosmith fan. 

You know what I'm talking about. Re: James Durbin, "I'll join your rich vein of inner crazy." Re: Paul McDonald, "You're a cool dude in a loose mood."

At first, these sorts of comments have us nodding in emphatic agreement. It's only afterwards, as our brains sift through the odd diction - the zany logic, the wacky vocab - that we are left wondering, "huh?"

This week, Steven sent his crazy gram to us in a moment of sadness... a moment, when the tissues simply would not suffice...a moment, when we needed him the most.

Pia Toscana, the #1 seed of the singing tournament, was eliminated at the buzzer... not because she performed poorly, but because she shockingly received the lowest number of votes.

JLo was flabbergasted, "I'm shocked. I'm angry. I don't even know what to say."
Randy offered, "I'm gutted. You're one of the best singers in this, you know?"

But it was crazy gram Steven, who somehow seemed to sum it up best: "I don't know what happened with this. She's beautiful. When she sings, she's a bird."

Bye, Bye Birdie.